Soft landings

I came across this quite a while ago on FB (go figure) and boy did it affect me! I have been working up the courage to put words down since I saw it.  I cried.  I yelled.  I prayed. I typed. 

 There are many times in my life that I question my actions and words.  I question myself more than anyone probably should and each time, it is a conscious question that brings me back to a time when someone from my family treated me poorly.  I relive the words that were typed up on a many page letter and sent to me.  I re-read them in my mind over and over and even though I have tucked them away (yes there is more than 1.  There are 2.) where I don't see them unless I look for them, I can see them in my mind and read them.  Each time, it feels as though I have read them for the first time. 

I have been called and told terrible things.  I've been called a spoiled brat, told that I have been given everything and never had to work for anything, they claim I took my dad’s money, but the best is....."you are a spawn of Satan". I have been told I'm out for money and recognition and that I am selfish and just an unkind person. I was told I would more than likely amount to nothing. One quote was "and you call yourself a Christian".  This is just small sample of things written.  The sad fact of the matter is....I don't really even know why.   I can speculate, but the real reason for these people’s opinions has never been verbalized.  At least, not to me. 

What does this do to a person?  For years and even now, I have tried to let it go.  Let it 'slide off my back like water on a duck', as the saying goes.  But does it?  No. There are days that the things that have been said to me eat at the very core of my existence. The times when I am beating myself up for something I did, said, didn't do, didn't say is because, I question myself and ask myself if I really am those things????? I hate that this weighs on my mind as much as it does but really, how can it not?!  Each time, it is as if a knife is turning into my side.   

I try to put their words behind me because I know in my mind that they don't know me, and they never have.  It saddens me because these people were a part of my life.  I thought they did know me.  But really, they have no clue.  But even though I know that I can't let the words rest.  I can't bury them away.  They are burnt into my mind.  

There are very few people who even know about the matter or the fact there are letters written to me stating these things.  I don't share it much and I only talk about it with these few people.  The ones who know of course, tell me that none of it is true.  That I am not any of those things.  They tell me I'm kind, loyal, present, giving.  But am I?  Are they just telling me that because they can't tell me to my face that I AM those things?  Somedays I believe them but most days I question.   

I notice small things.  Things that have no intention behind it, probably.  But in my mind, they might.  Cancel plans?  Is it because of the reason they gave me or is it because they just “can’t” with me that day?  Pictures.  Am I not in it because I’m an awful person and they don’t want me in the memory?  The list goes on and on. 

At the end of the day, this has caused me to be who I am today really.  Things I know about me.

 1) I’m not a person who likes to stand out.  I like to be in the background for fear that someone will see me as those things.

2) I am a homebody and like to keep to myself mostly.  I am outgoing to a point but just with my people.

3) I don’t like crowds but mainly ones where people know me.  I can go into any crowd where I’m not known and it’s fine.  Put me in an area where it is mostly people I know and my anxiety climbs.  I worry those people will see me as unkind and a snot or too good for them because I didn’t talk to them, see them, say Hi, wave, smile.  Ugh! 

4) I try to be kind to everyone. If I’m not kind, there is a reason and you can bet I’m questioning myself about it.

5) I try to understand where they are coming from by always trying to put myself in other’s shoes. 

6) I try to be accepting knowing that people aren’t perfect.  But I try to have an accepting heart.

7)I try to stay in my lane and don’t like to step on other’s toes but at the same time, I will if I need to. 

8)I tend to not jump in and do things without being asked for fear I will be seen as pushy, taking over or taking control.   

9) I don’t let a lot of people in.  My circle is small but that is by choice.

10) I trust until given a reason not to but I’m not quick to trust at first.  I’m cautious.  If trust is lost…….you may not ever get it back.

11) I try not to treat people differently.  If I don’t like you, you probably won’t know it.  I will rarely share those things with anyone.  If my people like you, there is a reason they do and I will probably not say much about it, unless they are harmful to you.  I will remove myself before I say anything. 

 

At the end of the day……I don’t want to treat anyone how I have been treated by members of my family. I hope that in my family and my circle I have given, and do give you a soft place to fall.  I hope that you know my door and my arms are open with understanding and acceptance.  Eye to eye may not be “always” but can be talked about safely and you are heard.

 

Just Me